He’s “single” online but “married to privacy” in real life. Baby that’s a relationship.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present: the soft-launch specialist. Online: “No drama. Just vibes.” Real life: won’t hold your hand in public like your fingers are contagious. We went out twice and he kept picking tables facing the wall. FACING. THE. WALL. Like I’m a secret he’s ashamed of, or like the booth is an interrogation room. He took a picture of his food. Not me. Not us. Just the food. Then posted “Date night” with no tags and no context like he was dating a plate. When I said, “Are you seeing someone?” he said, “I don’t like to label things.” Sir you label your protein powder. Then I see a woman commenting hearts on every post. I asked him who she is and he said “a friend.” A friend with matching holiday pajamas? A friend with your dog in her profile picture? Okay. If you have to decode a man’s relationship status like it’s a CIA file, he is not single. He is just unclaimed… publicly.