The “wellness” smoothie put me in a spiritual chokehold for 36 hours.

I bought a smoothie called “Celestial Cleanse” because the menu said “gentle detox.” That was a lie told with fonts. I took two sips and my stomach started writing its resignation letter. By the time I got home, my body was making noises I have only heard from haunted houses. I called them and they said, “That means it’s working.” No. That means you are committing crimes against intestines. If your product requires you to explain that suffering is “part of the process,” you are not running a smoothie shop. You are running a test of faith.